Chapter 1

September 1

I woke up in bed next to a glassy-eyed stranger, not knowing who he was, but feeling oddly at ease with him.

“What the fuck?” I said softly. My eyes adjusted to the harsh rays of sunlight piercing my blinds until I was able to focus on the furry stranger in my bed. His eyes, genuinely made of glass, stared back at me, smiling – elated that he had been placed in my care.

“A damn teddy bear,” I grumbled, grinning on the inside. He wore a “Somebody at Potomac University Loves Me” shirt over his light brown fur. He wasn’t a large bear by any means, but large enough to be noticeable to the visitors of my room.

He did it again.

The last thing I remembered from the night before was talking to him, he who had stopped by unexpectedly just to say hello. I was already in bed when he came by. Heavy rapping at the door made me believe that one of my roommates had forgotten their key.

I swung the door open, surprised to see him standing there.

“Adrian,” he said, sizing me up in a deliberate floor-to-ceiling gesture with his head.

“Hey,” I said, feeling naked in my white sleeveless t-shirt, which clung tightly to my slender torso while my blue basketball shorts slung low on my hips, revealing the white FTL band of my boxer briefs. .

“Can I come in?” he asked, peering around the door and trying to take a glance at my living room.

“Um,” I said, uncertain whether he was intent on breaking the pact before the school year had even begun.

“Dude, just for a minute,” he said. “You know I’m not going to go back on my promise. I just…I just had to see you before we…we…”

“Okay,” I interrupted. “You can stay for a while.”

I tried to hide my smile from him, so I quickly walked toward the kitchenette. “You want something to drink?”

“Naw,” he said, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the old brown couch and let his old, tattered gym bag fall to the floor at his feet while I got myself a glass of water. I sat in the gray cushioned chair across from him and slowly sipped my drink.

“You seem uncomfortable,” he said.

“Naw…just nervous, I guess.”

“Nervous?” he said, leaning forward on the couch, as close to me as he could without sliding off. “I just saw you like two weeks ago, dawg.”

“You know how we can get,” I said. “We’re just chillin’ one minute, then the next minute…well, you know.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I know. By the way, nice shorts.”

I immediately sat Indian style in the chair, trying to hide my slender brown legs underneath me.

“You don’t get it,” he said, laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I asked with a nervous smile.

“Those are my shorts,” he said. I looked down again. Sure enough, the shorts weren’t mine.

I looked at him, seeing a smile wider than the main Quad. It was infectious. Finally, the ice had been broken and I could smile in his presence again.

He was back in my life, if only for a few moments on the night before classes. We both stood up and hugged in the middle of my living room.

“I missed you,” he whispered, lips brushing lightly against my ear.

“I missed you, too,” I said to him, through his chest.

“You were sleeping, weren’t you?” he asked. He backed away slightly, looking down to my eyes while holding on to my arms.

“Almost,” I said. “I was just lying in bed when you came over. I have a lot to do tomorrow.”

“Come on, then,” he said, letting his hands slide down my arms. “Go back to sleep.”

“Dude, you know I can’t just fall back to sleep now.”

“Yeah you can,” he said taking my hand and leading me to the short set of stairs leading to the bedrooms and bathroom.

“Which one is yours,” he asked as we crept through the darkened hallway.

“The middle,” I said. He had brought his gym bag downstairs with him as though he planned on spending the night.

We entered my dark room, lit only with the light of my computer screen. He sat down at my desk and started checking his email on my Dell. I got under the sheets and laid face up so I could see him.

“You ready for class tomorrow?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said. “Are you?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I hope I like all of them.”

“You will,” I said. He turned to face me in the darkness and smiled one last time before I fell asleep.

He must have hidden the teddy bear in his gym bag and put it next to me in bed before he let himself out of my apartment. He still loved me. His swagger, his smile, his voice, his deeds – they all called out to me, but I couldn’t answer. Not then, not yet. There was much work to be done before he and I would be ready to move forward.

***

When I woke up in the morning, I named the bear Miles and put him on my desk. Actually, I named him Miles because I rested him on top of my Miles Davis CDs. My apartment, located deep in Hurley Village, was already bustling with activity.

Calen was one of my favorite frat brothers and now my housemate. We were initiated together and had experienced many trials and tribulations to make it to that point. When we were at our darkest hour as a pledge class, Calen was one of the few who showed that he was in my corner regardless of the circumstances. From the outside looking in, we made for a rather odd pair. I was of average height, just shy of five feet, ten inches. Calen, on the other hand was six and a half feet tall, 250 pounds easy. He had a beautiful caramel complexion and a baby face, even though nothing else about him was juvenile.

His laughter emanating from the kitchen reminded me that we were to wear our fraternity shirts. It was a tradition in our chapter that we dressed in paraphernalia on certain days, like the first day of class or Homecoming. My burgundy shirt with old gold letters was already hung neatly in my closet, and khaki shorts were placed on the back of my chair. After I took a shower and clothed, I was ready to face my rambunctious housemates.

“Yo, what up Adrian?” my burly frat brother hailed from the kitchen table. “B-Chi!”

“Chi Phi!” I responded. Calen loved saying the fraternity call whenever he had the chance. He was definitely a super-neo. “What’s up, fellas?”

Adrian’s two teammates, Brad and Orlando were relaxing in the living room, watching SportsCenter on ESPN. They returned my greeting and went back to SportsCenter.

“Nice shirt,” Calen said playfully, while eating his cereal. “I got me one just like it.”

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “Matter of fact, you seem to be wearing it right now.”

We laughed, and I grabbed a bagel from the pantry. It was about 9:30am by the green numbers on the microwave’s clock, and there was much to be done today.

“You got a 10:15 class, yo?” Calen asked.

“Naw…I gotta go to the bank in the student center, though. That joint opens at ten.”

“Word?” Calen asked. “You know I had an 8:50 already, right?”

“What?” I asked incredulously, pausing while spreading cream cheese on my bagel. “I know you didn’t have no 8:50 on the first day…ain’t you back kinda early?”

“Naw, they just gave us the syllabus and we was out. Now I ain’t got shit to do until 12 or so.”

“Messed up,” I said, biting into my bagel. “Yo, you know first chapter meeting is in two weeks, right?”

“Yeah…not this Sunday, but the next one. Dude, you think Jamal is going to be active this year?”

Get the fuck off the line, Adrian! His voice rang in my ears as clear as the night he screamed at me to stop pledging his beloved Beta. He hit me -- numerous times -- but I stuck it out. I lost Savion. I sweat blood and tears to get these letters across my chest, but Jamal…I could feel my stomach wrapping around his fist once again. I felt nauseated.

“Adrian? Dude, what’s wrong?” my line brother asked.

“Jamal…” I said distantly. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him around yet.”

“Adrian, you know, I’m sorry,” Calen said. “I thought you had squashed that beef from last year. I won’t mention…I mean, don’t worry. Just forget about it.”

I slowly came back to my kitchen and away from the chaos of that infamous night.

“It’s okay,” I lied. “I’m not worried about it.” The truth was that I just didn’t feel like dealing with it. Brother Jamal hated my guts and it showed every single day since the night he tried to make me depledge Beta. He hated me because he discovered my secret, my only obstacle to Beta: my boyfriend.

When learning that I was gay wasn’t enough to make me drop Jamal and Brother Craig tried to beat the resolve out of me. I almost didn’t make it. I was ready to stop everything and just walk away from what I had invested so many weeks and months of my life into. I died that night. But like Lazarus, I rose again and finished what I started. At least, that’s why my pledge Dean named me “Lazarus” – the name embroidered on the back of my t-shirt.

Somebody tapped lightly on our door, and I raced to answer it, glad that something would distract me from the thought of Jamal. I peeped through the blinds and saw my favorite female in the world.

“Hey, boo!” Nina shouted, waking up any other sleeping soul in our entire apartment complex.

“Hey, chica!” I responded, a huge grin crossing my face.

“Your sexy ass roommates up in here?” she asked, huge afro puff bouncing behind her head as she spoke. Her deep brown skin radiated in the morning sunlight. She wore a floral print dress, a festive little number to celebrate the first day of class.

“Yeah, we here,” Calen said from behind me. “What’s up, girl?” Calen and Nina hugged with much familiarity.

“Hey boys!” she said over Calen’s shoulder to Brad and Orlando.

“Hi, Nina.” the boys said. They were easily transfixed by her beauty and her confidence. If Nina could do nothing else well, she could silence a room. Men loved her; women were painfully indifferent.

“You ready?” she asked. I picked up my book bag from just inside the doorway.

“Yup,” I said. “Let’s go.”

“Wait, Frat,” Calen said, grabbing my shoulder. I turned around and Calen shook my hand. Pulling each other close, we gave each other the secret handshake of the fraternity.

“Have a good day, Frat,” he said sincerely.

“Thanks, Frat,” I said, grinning slightly. Calen was a good man. He was the polar opposite of Jamal, and I loved him for it.

Nina and I walked through Hurley Village toward our student center on this magnificent September day. Late summer at Potomac University was always a beautiful time of year. The campus was clean, the trees were green, and everybody was happy. Even me.

“I am loving those letters, boy!” Nina said. I smiled.

“I’m glad to be wearing them, girl.” I sighed. Nina knew just how bad I wanted to be a Beta and what I sacrificed to get those three letters. She was the only person who stood behind me one hundred percent.

“You know, it’s not too late for you to be…I dunno, an AKA?” I suggested playfully.

“Adrian, don’t you start with me again,” Nina said, soflty grabbing my sleeve. “I don’t want no parts of these Greek hussies on this campus.”

“Ha!” I said. “No you didn’t call them hussies.”

“Yup. You know I don’t like being around too many women. They talk too much.”

“You a woman, too, honey.”

“Oh, I know, sweetie. But ummm…you really don’t wanna see me cut a bitch for putting her hands on me, do you?”

“Naw,” I said. “I guess I don’t. They’d be fucking with the wrong broad if they put their hands on Nina Bradley.”

“You damn right. Now, are we depositing or withdrawing from this here bank?” she asked as we crossed the glass doors into the student center.

“Depositing,” I said. “The father figure sent me a check the other day.”

“Well…that’s good. Right?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s damn good. A nigga is out of your life for a decade, and they start finding inventive ways to make it up to you.”

“Damn,” she said, partly because of my comment, but mostly because the line to the bank was so long. I grabbed a deposit slip and began to fill it out while we waited.

“Adrian, look look look,” Nina said.

“What?” I asked. “Where am I looking?”

“Second girl in line with the sandals on.”

“Okay…what about her?”

“Look…at her nasty ass feet.”

I looked at the girl from her short denim skirt to her light brown legs, and finally her ashy feet. I stifled laughter.

“That broad look like she been playing soccer in a flour pit, Adrian!”

“Hush!” I said quietly. “You already got me laughin’ at this chick in my letters, please don’t let her turn around and see us clowning her.”

“But she shouldn’ta come out the house without putting some Vaseline on them dogs! I mean, Adrian, come on now.”

Tears were streaming from my face by now, but at least I wasn’t laughing out loud.

“I mean, maybe,” I stopped and giggled. “Maybe she just got out of bed?”

Nina was now convulsing with stifled laughter herself. “But look at all her makeup, man! How she gonna put her face on but not her feet!”

And with Nina’s final quip we were gone, laughing so hard that the people in front of and behind us in line were trying to figure out what was going on. Meanwhile, homegirl in the front of the line was oblivious to our inside joke. Nina and I leaned on each other and exhaled a spontaneous “whoo” that signified the end of our episode. Just as that happened, I felt a familiar, strong hand on my shoulder. Nina saw the hand, looked behind me, and smiled. I turned around.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hey,” I said, smiling.

“Oh my god!” a shrill female voice said from behind him. “How are you doing! I am so glad I saw you! Give me a hug, Mr. Beta Man!”

I deflated on the inside, but kept my smile on my face as I hugged her. She was Taina Banks, a beautiful, friendly girl who served with me on the board of the NAACP the previous year. She was now the Vice President.

He…was Isaiah Aiken. Her boyfriend, and my…friend, as of the previous summer, when we were roommates.

“I am just so proud of you, Adrian!” Taina continued. “I remember you were looking tore up when you were on line for Beta, but I will never forget the night of your probate show. Who knew you could sang like that, boy!”

We all laughed. Taina and Nina were cordial to one another, but each had dominating personalities, so it would be interesting to see who might “win” the conversation.

“Hey, girl!” Taina then said to Nina. “Girl, that dress is soooo cute! Oh my God!”

“Thanks, girl!” Nina said. “And you are working those jeans!”

“Okay!” Taina said. “You know I got these right down on Wisconsin Avenue before summertime, right?”

“From the Gap?” Nina asked.

“Naw, girl, from Express!” Nina and Taina’s girl talk was legendary. Nina loved to camp it up around ultra-feminine women like Taina. It was almost like watching a man in drag. She wasn’t entirely comfortable around girly girls, but she would also not be outdone by any personality more gregarious than her own. As the ladies chatted, I focused on them. I was afraid to look at him…Isaiah.

“Did you see it?” he asked in a low tone, sure that neither Nina nor his girlfriend could hear.

“Yeah,” I replied. “You really shouldn’t…”

“I know,” he said. “I know.”

He playfully punched me on the shoulder, lightly at first, then a little harder. I inched forward in the line, and then turned around to face him. He was still the most attractive man on campus, and probably one of the more attractive men I had ever met. He was light-skinned, light-eyed, and had high cheekbones. His voice was incredibly deep. He didn’t look like the typical college basketball player, other than his height and broad shoulders. He was almost too “pretty” – a word that was often attributed to preppy, well kept black dudes who wore khakis and button-down shirts. But that was not Isaiah. His striking, runway worthy features were masked by oversized t-shirts, baggy jeans, and boots. And ironically, this basketball player preferred wearing football jerseys off the court. It was Isaiah’s shorts that I wore to sleep the night before.

“Don’t,” I said, moving my eyes toward Nina and Taina, who were still talking.

“All that,” he whispered “ain’t shit. That’s all about to be dead. You know where my heart is.”

“You can’t do this,” I whispered sharply. “Remember your promise.”

He frowned. I stepped backward from him.

“So, you coming back to NAACP this year?” Taina asked abruptly.

“Of course!” I exclaimed. “You know that’s where my roots are.”

“Well why you ain’t wanna be on the board this year?” she asked earnestly.

“Girl, you know I’ma be at those meetings. I just wanted to give somebody else a chance. And have some time to be a Beta, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she smiled. “Well, me and Isaiah saw you two in here and just wanted to say hi! I am so glad you got to be his roommate this summer! He has not been able to stop talking about you!”

“Oh really?” I asked. Isaiah looked away as Taina continued to smile and nod.

“Yup!” she said. “It’s like you his new role model!”

We all had a good laugh at that one, but only Isaiah and I knew the danger involved. I couldn’t believe he was talking about me to her. If he was going to square things away with Taina, he needed to do it. Just don’t involve me in it.

“Well, we’re off! Toodles!” Taina said.

“Toodles, girlfriend!” Nina chirped. As they walked away, Taina slid her hand into Isaiah’s.

“I hate that bitch,” Nina said. I burst out laughing.

“Why?” I asked. “She ain’t did nothing to you!”

“She’s just so fuckin’ girly. I mean, damn. Tone that shit down.” We laughed some more. Although I knew she noticed – and Nina noticed everything – she didn’t mention the uneasy tension between me and Isaiah.

When I finally got to the teller window, I deposited my check. Five thousand dollars, paid to the order of Adrian Collins, from Adam Collins. My dad.

Some things change.

Did you enjoy what you read?

Chapter 1

It was a meeting of the minds.

Brilliant black students gathered together in the name of brotherhood, sisterhood, common goals, and mutual aid. Thrust together by choice and bound by the adversity of their circumstances, these youths, the best and brightest that their communities had to offer, assembled on the first night of the semester to catch up on old times and revitalize stagnant relationships. The libations poured freely; men and women, on equal footing, waxed nostalgic, yearning for the “good old days” of freshman year, before the harsh realities of being an African American on a white college campus had actually set in. After what seemed like hours of philosophizing, a single voice cut through the thick fog of retrospect:

“College for damn sure ain’t nothing like A Different World…I can tell you that much.”

The crowded college apartment erupted with laughter as about a dozen friends and acquaintances celebrated being together, in relative unity and harmony. I was here again, returning for my second year - one year closer to my degree.

“I know, right?” I chimed in from the brown beanbag chair in the corner of the room. “Man, I got to Potomac thinking the black folks was gonna be all unified and shit. Now? Whatever. If it’s not a party – or a step show - you can’t count on people to be there.”

“Fine words from Adrian Collins, the esteemed Vice-President of the NAACP,” Nina said as she walked toward me with a fuzzy navel in her hand. “Scoot over, Adrian.”

I smiled and accommodated my friend. She was a beautiful brown girl with a thousand-watt smile. She sat close to me on the almost-too-low beanbag chair, doing nothing to change the perception that she was my girlfriend, even though we were both chronically single.

“I mean, yeah, I’m VP for the NAACP, and what?” I added. “Y’all know damn well that the same ten black people will be carrying this entire campus all year long. People aren’t interested in what the NAACP can do for them here.”

“You are such a pessimist, dude,” Micah Warner said. A slim and handsome young man, he was the President of the NAACP; my partner in crime of sorts. We weren’t necessarily the best of friends, but he was a cool guy to have in your corner. “You talk all this shit about how wack the black community is at Potomac, yet you put yourself through the punishment of the NAACP. Why? Why not just be inactive, stay in your room, and not come out until it’s time to party?”

“Dawg, because I’m not like that,” I said. “I can party with the best of them – Nina knows that best of all. But I can’t just go to this school and not try to make a difference.”

“Cliché’!” this girl Taina said. She was sitting in her boyfriend’s lap, an often-silent basketball player named Isaiah. “Nobody wants to ‘make a difference’ anymore. It’s all about what you can derive from your involvement; what connections you can make and what satisfaction you can give yourself. Nobody here is down for anybody but themselves at the end of the day.”

“I got to disagree, Taina,” Nina said. “Now, I’ll be the first one to tell you that I’m not going to a Black Student Union meeting or an NAACP function, because that’s not my thing. But I’m still going to support my boy when he’s doing his thing.”

That’s what I liked about Nina, she kept it real. She never pretended to be something she wasn’t, and always remained loyal to her friends.

“We’re snobs, plain and simple,” Micah said.

“Snobs?” I asked. “How are you going to say we’re snobs and you got like ten of the most conscious people on this campus right here in this apartment?”

“We still snobs,” Micah said. “This whole school is teetering somewhere between black consciousness and snobbery. I mean, here we are with a world famous basketball team, alma mater of several Presidents of the United States, and a huge endowment. When you talk about the black elite, you think about Howard, Spelman, Morehouse…Harvard, Princeton, and Potomac.”

“Um…Potomac University wishes it were in the same league as Princeton,” Keisha Johnson said. She was another board member of the NAACP.

“It is,” Taina said matter-of-factly. “We can compete with them in all aspects: prominent alumni, endowment, faculty, services, you name it.”

“Whatever,” Keisha said, rolling her eyes. “What’s your point, Micah?”

“My point,” Micah began, “Is that we have the ability to do big things here…right here. In the nation’s capital. Be leaders among all black people. Be the next W.E.B. DuBois or something. But our ways hold us back. We have an air about us, as educated black folks, to talk the talk, but we don’t walk the walk. We can sit here and bitch and moan about how poor folks in Southeast DC don’t do anything to lift themselves up. But how can they lift themselves up if we don’t help them? It’s easy for us to sit here on this hilltop, overlooking the city, patting ourselves on the back.”

“So what are we supposed to do?” Nina asked. “Are we supposed to be superheroes, or are we supposed to be ourselves?”

“We’ve got a responsibility,” I said. “To ourselves, of course, but also to the struggle.”

“Still militant, I see” Keisha said of my all too familiar reference to the “struggle.”

“Whatever,” I said. “I might be militant, but I give a damn. I’m not the person I was last year. I hated Potomac. I most likely didn’t like any of y’all, either. I walked across campus listening to my Jay-Z and DMX on my headphones, trying to tune out my own discontent. I had that thug mug on my face because I didn’t want to be bothered with this school. When I saw Potomac, I didn’t see the best and the brightest of black folks. I saw this unrelenting apathy that made me apathetic, too.”

“So what happened?” Micah asked. “What changed?”

“I grew up,” I said. “Who has the right to bitch about something unless they try to change it?”

“So you got tired of being known as ‘the angry black man,’ huh?” Taina asked. Her boyfriend Isaiah smiled.

“I don’t mind it,” I said. “But call me that now, especially since I’ve got more focus.”

“We got some real cool people in this room,” Nina interjected. “We got some NAACP officers, an athlete or two, and some just plain cool peeps. But what I wanna know is where the Greeks are?”

“In Greece,” Isaiah said quickly. The room again erupted in laughter.

“Naw, for real,” I added. “She has a point. We’re just some negroes pre-gaming, getting drunk before the stupid poetry reading in the student center. And we only going because ain’t shit else to do.”

“Well the Deltas are throwing it, so I mean, maybe the Greeks are supposed to enhance our college experience,” Micah said.

“Seems like,” Taina began, “Frats and sororities divide this campus even more. You got the Deltas beefing with the AKAs…the Kappas beefing with the Betas…and some random ass Latino organizations.”

“I don’t know, y’all” Nina said. “I’m not trying to get my ass beat for a semester for some Greek letters.”

“I heard they’re not supposed to do that anymore,” I said. “Don’t they all just have some workshops or something, and then you become a member?”

“You got a lot to learn about Greek life,” Micah said. “They a damn lie – all of them – if they tell you they don’t haze.”

“They seem unified with each other though, so it doesn’t seem too bad,” Taina said.

“Well the shit ain’t for me,” Nina said. “I don’t even like females that much in the first place, so I’m definitely not going to pay to get my ass beat and then be called somebody’s soror. What the fuck is that anyway? Soror. Made-up ass word.”

We laughed and drank some more. There were parties galore that night, and tipsy or not, I was going to be there.

“Let me sip,” I asked of Nina. She happily obliged. As I slowly let the vodka-tinged drink splash down my throat, I took a slow look around me. Beautiful black men and women encompassed me.

“Thanks,” I said, giving the drink back to Nina. It was nice being back on campus. I shut my eyes as everyone’s voices slowly merged into a muffled symphony.

I wondered if this was what college was like for my dad. I thought about him quite often, because even though he hadn’t been part of my life for years, I remembered his stories about college. If I closed my eyes, I could still remember the pictures of him with an afro, bellbottoms, and fraternity letters.

“You sleep, nigga?” someone asked me softly.

I opened my eyes. Isaiah Aiken hovered over me. He was only, as I frequently said to Nina, the finest man on campus. In general, I was a sucker for tall men, especially basketball players like Isaiah. He was light-skinned, maybe even biracial, with close cut hair and a goatee. Beautiful eyes…eyes that make you just stare into them and start stuttering and salivating.

“N-n-n-naw, man,” I said. “Just, ah…just resting my eyes.”

“You ain’t drunk, are you?” he asked, smiling.

“Naw, man,” I smiled back. “I’m cool. What’s up?”

“You and Nina going to that poetry reading?” he asked.

“Yeah man,” I said, struggling to stand up from the beanbag chair.

Noticing my battle with gravity, Isaiah grabbed my arm and gave my body a gentle tug upward. I stood up, and grabbed his other arm for balance, lightly tipping into him. He grabbed my side, to make sure I didn’t fall.

“You aight man?” Isaiah asked earnestly.

“Yeah,” I said. “Just trying to get my balance, you know.”

His hand was still holding my side. I felt self-conscious all of a sudden, like everyone in the room was staring at me. Why was he still touching me, anyway?

“Aight,” he said, slowly sliding his hand from my side. I got chills, as though my cotton t-shirt didn’t even stand between my flesh and his fingertips.

“So…” I said, stepping a pace backward, but still looking as Isaiah.

“So…you want to walk over there with me and Taina?” Isaiah asked. “We about to go in a few minutes. And it’s supposed to be a party after that.”

“Yeah, that’s tight,” I said, looking around for my friend. “I’ll go see where Nina’s at now.”

“Cool,” he said. “I’ll wait.”

As I got my bearings again, I noticed that there were far fewer people in the apartment than there were when I initially rested my eyes. Damn, maybe I was really asleep after all.

I didn’t see Nina in the living room, so she must have been in the back. I walked around the corner, past the bathroom and down the hall. I didn’t even remember whose crib this was. Someone’s bedroom was open, and I knocked lightly on the door.

Nina Bradley was surrounded by people, just how she liked it. She sat on a chair in the bedroom while several potential suitors did their best to entertain her. She knew everyone, and everyone knew her. She was a tall, natural, brown-skinned beauty with long bushy hair that she kept in ponytails. No relaxer had touched her scalp in years. She was determined to fight the European standards of beauty that tainted the minds of black men on our campus. So far, she was succeeding. Every man that knew her became transfixed by her.

At the same time, she was single. She had plenty of male friends, yet she also had high standards. She was like a modern day Katerina – no man could tame her. Too independent and too strong for all those who dared to try.
She looked up at me in the middle of a laugh.

“You ready to go, boo?” she asked.

I smiled, and playfully rolled my eyes.

“Yeah,” I answered.

Not even acknowledging the other men in the room, Nina stood and walked out, linking arms with me.

“Isaiah wants us to roll over to the poetry joint with him and Taina,” I whispered.

“Isaiah?” Nina whispered back. “Do you mean, Isaiah, the finest man on campus?”

“Girrrrrrrrl,” I replied, letting the sentence finish itself in Nina’s mind. She knew exactly how I felt about Isaiah, even though I knew he was straight. If there was ever to be a chance with him, certainly it would have presented itself by now. But, who was I kidding? Isaiah was fine as hell, but he had a girlfriend, so there was no way that he was gay.
That was the story of my undergraduate life to that point. After a year in school, I had had a crush on nearly every boy I saw. I usually got over each one quicker than the last, but my crush on Isaiah was the only one that lingered. An impossible dream, I suppose.

Taina and Isaiah were already standing by the door, ready to go, so I simply said “Let’s roll,” and we were off. Even though Nina didn’t have many close female friends, she knew how to chat it up with anyone. While we walked down the brick stairwell, she and Taina were discussing some women’s issues…perhaps shoes or shopping. I can’t really remember, since I spent the walk to the reading trying to figure out what to say to Isaiah.

“So…” I began, “What…um…yeah, what classes are you taking this semester?”

“French, Black Women Writers, Computer Science, Ethics, and ah…something else, man, I can’t remember,” Isaiah said.

“Yeah, I feel you,” I said. Isaiah was a man of few words anyway, so this conversation was like pulling teeth. He was still sexy though.
We walked in silence as the girls chatted away ahead a few steps ahead of us. From the apartments on the south side of campus, we could see the tip of the Washington Monument peeking through the trees.

In minutes, we had arrived at the crowded venue: the campus pub, converted into a coffeehouse with a small stage and microphone. There were no seats left, so the four of us stood at the rear of the room. The Deltas had done a nice job with decorations. The room was dark, lit with only white Christmas lights and red and white candles.

We were late, but that was okay. We were big-time Sophomores and it was just another lame poetry reading. It would probably be the same old tired Erykah Badu wannabes in their head wraps and phony athletes-turned-love jones poets. As a matter of fact, it seemed like the reading was almost over.

“Ladies and gentlemen.” the Mistress of Ceremonies announced. She was a Delta from another campus, not Potomac. Like most sororities and fraternities on my campus, their chapter was shared between several schools. “It has been my pleasure to be your MC tonight, but our evening is not quite over yet. It’s my honor to welcome back to the Crimson Cipher a poet who is near and dear to many of us up at Rock Creek College as well as here at Potomac. I was first blown away by this poet when we were both Freshmen. For those of you who have never heard this man before, you are in for a treat. Representing the Senior class--”

The seniors in the audience cheered with approval, as though on cue.

“Savion Cortez!”

Those who did not know Savion politely applauded while those who did screamed for him.

“Who is this guy?” I asked Nina.

“I don’t know,” Nina replied. “He must have been abroad last semester.”

“Shh!” someone in the audience said.

Nina and I rolled our eyes and focused on a legend previously unknown to us. A body wearing baggy corduroys and a button-down shirt seemed to glide to the stage. He wore a hat cocked to one side, one of those trendy newsboy hats.

“Hi everybody…” Savion said politely. I couldn’t see his face very well in the candlelight, but his airy voice came through loud and clear, with just a hint of a New York accent.

“Thanks for that, ah…warm welcome, and thanks to the Deltas for holding down this tradition over the years. Um…I see a lot of new faces out there, and I guess you all are like ‘Who’s this guy?’ Well, my name is Savion and the reason that you don’t know me is because, like most Juniors, I was abroad all last year. I, ah…I spent the Fall in Costa Rica, and then last Spring I was in Senegal. Um…I guess tonight…I want to share an ‘oldie-but-goodie’ that a lot of the upperclassmen haven’t heard for like…two years, maybe more. This one is called ‘Recognize.’”

In the seats in front of me several Seniors, mainly women, became obviously excited for the announced poem, giggling and shifting back and forth in their seats. The poet cleared his throat and began his delivery with a quick tempo and frantic pace. He said each vowel of each word with energy, as if the poem’s success depended on the audience member not missing a single sound. His whole demeanor changed from mild-mannered to fiery in the space of seconds.

“It’s something I should realize
It’s nothing I can theorize
The prophecy is hard to see
It used to come so naturally
I’m writing a biography
Of two young people, you and me
It’s plain to see
No fantasy
I mean that we
Should probably and naturally
Forget about the world you see
And magnify and beautify
A set of people, you and I
Secretly, I share my thoughts
Until your mind is at a loss
I’m so unkind, it blows your mind
All because of this phrase of mine
Would you like to
Play a little game with me
Or maybe read a book to me
You can see I’m your baby
Always, now, forever more
A secret’s what will be in store
So recognize and realize
That I just can’t apologize
For feeling freaky ways I feel
And knowing what I feel is real
That I just
Love me
Some you”

The audience erupted with applause upon the conclusion of the poem. Although we didn’t know it, Savion Cortez was back and in full effect. My eyes followed him as he smiled, thanked the audience, and quickly took his seat.

I gave Nina a sideways glance, which she returned. I smiled. Taina and Isaiah continued to applaud, unaware of me and Nina’s secret signals.
The audience began to clear out as the Delta from Rock Creek thanked us all for coming out to the event.

“Yo man, y’all coming to the party?” Isaiah asked as the four of us huddled in the back of the room.

“No doubt,” Nina said. “But yo, I need to head back to my room first. Can we meet you there?”

“Cool,” Taina said. “We’ll see ya there.” Taina hugged me and Nina, and Isaiah gave me the typical Potomac University urban handshake leading into the hug.

“Aight, man, see you in a bit,” I said.

“Peace,” Isaiah said. The pair walked away as Nina and I remained at the back of the room.

“They gone?” I whispered as Nina peered over my shoulder.

“Wait a minute…aight, they gone,” she said.

“Where’s that Savion cat?” I said.

“Up front,” she said. “A bunch of girls are kinda hovering around him. He ain’t going anywhere just yet.”

“Aight, cool, let’s do this,” I said.

“Wait,” she said. “I mean, do you think he is?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But he’s too fine to just leave without saying hello.”

Nina smiled and grabbed my hand, leading me through the crowd toward Savion. It was almost like pushing our way through the paparazzi outside of the Oscars. Once we finally broke through, we saw Savion getting hugged by a lot of different seniors; women who seemed to know him from way back. Yet, if Nina didn’t know him, he might as well have been a stranger to the campus.

“Excuse me,” Nina said, interrupting Keisha Johnson in mid-sentence.

“Yes?” Keisha said, rolling her eyes at Nina and sighing.

“No, honey,” Nina said. “I was talking to Savion, excuse me.” Nina pushed by Keisha, dragging me along and standing directly in front of the man himself. I turned to Keisha briefly to give her an “excuse-my-rude-friend-please-don’t-smack-her” grin.

“Excuse me,” Nina repeated, gaining Savion’s attention.

“Yeah?” Savion said. He turned around to face us, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that he was a handsome man. He was light-brown skinned with a thin goatee. He was a very attractive man, clearly Latino. The hat still caused large shadows to fall over his face, but what I saw was good enough for me.

“Hi! My name is Nina Bradley, I’m a Sophomore here, how are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks,” he smiled, giving both me and Nina the once-over with eyes that seemed to glisten, even in the shadows. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great, thanks! Listen, that was an excellent poem you read tonight. Me and Adrian – oh, this is so rude. Savion, this is Adrian Collins.” I smiled and shook Savion’s hand.

“Nice meeting you,” I said softly.

“Same here,” he said back, grinning slightly.

“Anyway,” Nina continued, “Adrian and I weren’t even going to show up tonight, but you know something told us to come. And lo and behold, here you were. Definitely some good shit, man. Very good poetry.”

“Thanks,” Savion said, his grin turning into a brilliant smile, exposing two crooked teeth on the bottom.

“So, you studied abroad last year?” I asked. It was the perfect tag team action. Nina, the more gregarious of the two of us, broke the ice with her non-stop meet-and-greet tactics. I, on the other hand, moved in for the kill, asking the more probing questions.

“Yeah,” he said. “It was a great experience man, I highly recommend it.”

“That’s phat,” I said.

“Yeah, definitely,” Nina added. “Hey…I couldn’t help but notice, but are you Latino?”

“Most definitely,” Savion said. “Dominican Republic - all the way.”

“That’s what’s up,” Nina said. “You know, Adrian here, he’s the Vice President of the NAACP. He’s doing a program…hey, what’s the program about?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right,” I said. “We’re holding a forum about black and Latino unity. We’re gonna focus mostly on the issues facing Potomac, but we’re going to have some materials available about the history of Black and Brown relations in general. I’d definitely like you to be there.”

“Yeah,” Savion said. “I’d like that.” I smiled in response.

“Are you going to the party after this?” I asked.

“Probably,” Savion said. “Will y’all be there?”

“Oh, no doubt!” Nina shrieked. “We do not miss a party around here, man!”

“That’s tight,” he said. “Well, I will definitely see you there. Both of you.”

“Tight,” I said, perhaps a little too quickly. Savion smiled – again.

“Well, I’ll see you two later,” he said. “It was nice meeting you.”

“Same here,” I said. Nina simply smiled as Savion walked away. Savion’s fans – the women who we had interrupted, seemed to be following him as he walked away, leaving me and Nina alone. Keisha Johnson trailed behind the pack, glancing behind once to give Nina just one more evil glance. Barely noticing, Nina and I stared at each other in silence, mentally sizing up what had transpired.

We walked back to Nina’s room across campus in Duncan Hall. Most of the crowd from the poetry reading had already filed out in that direction, as Nina’s dorm room was adjacent to the Hurley apartments. It took us about twenty minutes to make the five-minute walk because so many people stopped to talk to us. Between the two of us, we knew most of the campus, white and black.

“So does this mean you’re…coming out?” Nina asked once we stepped into her modest room.

“Naw, man. Not yet,” I responded, taking a seat at her desk. “I’m just going to test the waters, do my thing. I’m not trying to be the only one.”

“I hear you, Adrian, but for real, how are you going to be able to tell? About Savion…he’s nice…maybe even suspect…but how can you make a move if you don’t know for sure?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “He seems real cool, but it’s gonna be a waiting game. I mean, we were flirting like a mug tonight, but you know how fucking stupid straight men are. You could have a hand on their crotch and a tongue in their ear and they still won’t understand that you’re trying to hit on them.”

Nina laughed. “That’s true. I know you’ve been let down a lot by these Negroes.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Falling in love with straight men ain’t cool.”

“And you did a lot of that last year.”

“Didn’t I?” I said. I thought back to my freshman year, which had really only ended a few months before. The fact that there were so many attractive men at Potomac, none of whom were interested in me, got into my head sometimes, depressing me more than I cared to admit.

“But things are different now,” I said to Nina. “I’m not sweating anybody. If Savion is gay, so be it. If he’s not, that’s cool, too. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, just somebody to kick it with.”

“But that’s what I’m asking,” Nina said. “How are you going to find somebody to kick it with if you aren’t out of the closet?”

“I mean, it’s not about wearing rainbows and pink triangles, yo,” I explained. “That’s not what I’m about. I don’t think you can look at me and tell that I’m gay, but at the same time, I wouldn’t deny it if someone asked me.”

“Really?” Nina asked. “So you’re telling me that if one of those thugged out basketball players was to ask you, you’d just say ‘Yeah’?”

“Hell yeah, especially if it was fine ass Isaiah Aiken…boy, I tell ya…”

“Adrian, seriously.”

“I mean, maybe I would admit it, depending on why they were asking…”

“Well, why do you think Savion might be gay?”

Thinking about Nina’s question for a few moments, I finally stated my case.

“First of all, did you notice how his poem was mad ambiguous? No ‘he’s’ or ‘she’s’ at all. And the content was pretty vague, too. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the poem was phat, but it wasn’t the typical Potomac ‘I-want-to-fuck-you-tonight’ poem.”

“Maybe that’s because he’s a good poet,” Nina rebutted.

“True, that could be it,” I said. “But it’s also his look. His style, it’s kind of trendy. Not really hip-hop or preppy. Almost like he gets all of his clothes from Urban Outfitters or something. But more than that, it was the actual interaction we had. He never stopped smiling.”

“Yeah, I peeped that,” Nina said. “Adrian, do you think that by now, people might assume that you are?”

“Maybe,” I said. “People here can assume whatever the hell they want. I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m not looking for one.”

“Yeah, but people still think we’re together.”

“Damn, can two people of opposite sexes just be friends?” I asked rhetorically.

“Apparently not at Potomac…” Nina answered wistfully.

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Excerpt

By the time I had my all-black outfit on, my personal check for three hundred fifty dollars was already written and slipped into my right pocket. It was seven thirty and I was ready for anything. I had to be, since I had no earthly idea what I was getting into. It felt like the previous night might as well have been my last night on earth and I was on my way to my own execution.

I slowly walked across campus towards the Horton Center. I smiled at anyone who noticed me, but for the most part I tried to make myself invisible. In fact, the same access road that Calen, Micah, and I had once used to sprint across campus was useful to me once again to get into the rear of the Horton Center. In no time, I was in the underground parking garage. All alone.

It was not quite the designated time to meet but I was worried anyway. Micah was always the first person anywhere. He prided himself on being habitually early. It would have been heartbreaking if he had not made it for a second time. I paced the nearly empty garage waiting for anyone at all to show up.

Not a moment to soon, I saw someone approaching me from the far corner of the lot. He was dressed in all black like I was. Soon I could see that it was Ed, the heavyset Junior who came to the Beta rush.

"Ed," I called.

"What's up, man?" he asked cautiously.

I laughed. "I wish I knew. Nice outfit."

Ed laughed nervously. "Thanks. You, too."

We shook hands and pulled each other into a hug. Ed wasn't one of the core five, but he was a familiar face nonetheless. Still, I hoped that all of my friends would show up on that night.

"Any idea what's gonna happen tonight?" Ed asked me.

"No clue," I responded. "Wait a minute…somebody else is coming."

Around the corner walked Calen with a smile as wide as the Potomac River.

"Yeah," Ed called. "Big Calen in the house!"

Calen jogged toward us and shook our hands once he got to our gathering.

"This is it," Calen said to me. "This is it, yo."

"I know," I said to Calen. "You nervous?"

"Hell yeah," Calen said. "You heard from Micah?"

"Naw," I said. "Steven told me not to talk to anybody."

"Yeah, me too," Ed said. "Hey, y'all got your money, right?"

Calen and I nodded at the same time. Just then, we noticed two cars pulling into the garage. One was definitely Micah's car, but the other one was foreign to me. The cars slowed to a stop in front of me. Mohammed was riding in Micah's car, and they both emerged with hesitant smiles. Ciprian was the driver of the second car; he and Peter emerged to join the group. We all shook each other's hands and sized each other up. Our solemn meeting in the parking lot soon began to feel more like the first episode of Road Rules on MTV. We all knew that the men whom we met on this night would be the people we started the journey of our lifetimes with.

"Alright, y'all," I said. "So where do we go from here?"

"I'm supposed to call Steven on my cell when we're together to get the rest of the directions," Ciprian said.

"Well, call him," Micah said.

"Are we all here?" Ciprian said.

"I guess so," Ed said. "We were told, well I was told to meet here at eight."

"Yeah," Calen said. "So was I. And it's eight fifteen now. If anybody else from Potomac was going to do this, they would have been here by now."

"Alright," Ciprian said. "I'll call him now." He took his phone from his back pocket and dialed seven digits.

"Hello, Steven?" Ciprian said. "Yes, it is. We're at Potomac now…there are seven of us. Yes. Fort Slocum Park? Hold on."

"Do any of us know how to get to Fort Slocum Park?" Ciprian asked us.

"I think so," I said. "That's near Takoma, right?." Ciprian shrugged. Speaking back into his phone, he said "Not really. Oh. Oh really? Okay."

He put his phone away and relayed Steven's charge to us.

"We had better figure out how to get to Fort Slocum, because if we want to pledge, we need to get there in seven minutes."

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